COUNTDOWN
April 23, 2007
Mother wants me to attend the graduation ceremony. I'm having doubts. I guess words are beginning to eat me now… Words are my enemies. I don't like them too much. Words are free and has no value, come to think of it. But words are so powerful that it destroys lives. It can ruin you. With me, words bring the best and the worst of me. It combines heaven and hell in one person. Words can upset me and make me talk back. On the other hand, it can make me smile, and put an end to life.
I wonder when my smile becomes sincere. I wonder if there would still be an opportunity when I smile, it will be because I'm happy and not angry. I want to learn how to be happy. Even for once.
I thought when school's over, I'd be okay. I wonder if I could be okay. I came to see my dad this morning. A few blocks away from my father's house, I noticed the change. The clouds seemed grey and the trees seemed wilted. I felt the cold in the heated marbled floors as I took off my shoes by the door. My Keiko was there. She just looked at me and went straight to my father's room. Buck was there as well. I wished I never went here. I turned away and as I tried to put my shoes back on, my father caught up with me. He hugged me, tight. I felt he missed me but he seemed cold. He walked back to his office holding my hand and served me some tea. I know now, some things will never change.
Right after I finished my cup, he handed me a small wooden tube. I didn't open it then. I left his office and went straight to the garden. My father is still a fan of the greenery. The garden's still beautiful. As I lay on the grass, I noticed Buck standing by my head. He sat beside me for a long time without saying a word. Then by sun down, he then said, "you don't have to do this." I left without any word, without expression. Because I know, I have to learn again… how to unfeel.
I broke the wooden tube a few minutes ago. I only have 3 weeks to get the job done.
