Sleepless… Lifeless

There have been days I never wanted to wake up. I never wanted to smell the fresh brewed coffee waiting for me at my kitchen counter. Never wanted to stand up to take long showers. Never wanted to watch my gold card cable tv. I just wanted to keep still. In my bed. Eyes shut. … just that. Even for just 5 minutes. I want to feel what it is like to sleep. I want to feel how it is to be relaxed and well rested. I'd like my back laid down for even 5 minutes. Why is it so impossible for me to do all this?

My mother believed it's just discipline. I had to set my mind to do it. It's that simple.

It sounded simple.

But it's not.

I took 2 sedatives this evening. That would be around 12 midnight, the perfect time for daywalkers to feel the night. An hour later, I got bored. Tired of waiting for sleep to come. Tired. Yet rest less.

There have been nights when I couldn't let go of my 'Riko'. I would feel it going through my skin until it gets numb. I'd take a handful of Rxs and wash'em all down with whatever I find in my counter. Whether in a while I'd be talking to the seat or drown myself with waste. There have been nights when I finished a whole pack of ciggies in 3 hours.

It's like waiting for your last breath and later, you find yourself not at all grasping for air. You'd realize that you are in fact alive but unfortunately, you have no life.