TOUCH THE STONE

I never thought this day would actually come. I will still walk that strange path that people find it so hard to believe that path actually existed. I never intended different people to be involved. I never expected that I'd actually meet SOME PEOPLE that I would wish to be MY FRIENDS while I am still alive. I never thought I'd wish for it. Well, as Buck reminds me in the mornings, "Never really never happens.". Well, yeah. I guess I understand now. It never really existed.

I will be creating a new journal soon. But the contents of that journal will be based accordingly to what I went through as my resignation is just a few blocks away. Every important proper noun will be encrypted and every important name will be revised to keep everything 'cinema wise'. I hope with that journal, people will learn to appreciate what they have. Other people, no matter how much they wanted it, don't.

Just a few weeks ago, I was beginning to feel useless here, living with my mother….

It’s not the years of your life that counts, IT’S THE LIFE IN THOSE YEARS

Yes, I know. It's not me.

Lately, I got in touch with old friends who used to adore me on stage. They ask me how I do it. They wonder what made my rendition so special that they actually feel different when I sing those songs. THEY USED TO ASK ME. But look at me now.

It's been six years since I last stood on that stage. I have not really performed since then. I remember packing my bags and left the scene without telling anyone why. I had to. I was about to do serious stuff for my father and I can't risk being exposed like that. I miss the spotlight. Now, I got in touch with some of them through friendster, some I even can't get myself to add. I added a few of them, one was the total performer I learned so much from. She was also the one who taught me to drink red wine instead of vodka. She taught me so many things. When I scanned her photos, I realized that this girl has gone a long way. A part of me wanted that… wanted what she achieved. But I am happy for her, she truly deserved it. I checked a few others who were my rivals. Now, I see them in youtube as well. They have gone far. Particularly this girl, she was always so serious about the way she sings,but now, she earned the laughter I once had when I was on stage. It's hers now, not mine. And applause is hers now, not mine. The band is hers now, not mine.

I used to have that voice. That stretch, that diaphragm… that belt…

I didn't mind not being the prettiest. I was nothing to compare with the others like HyperBeat who can dance with choreography, jumping up and down while singing. I was just the prim and proper slinky little lady on stage, with a voice that you could never thought she had. And now, I'm far from that.

A part of me wanted to leave this tainted life behind and come back to this passion. A lot of people await me. But there are some things you just can't do. And those things, money can not buy.

This is one example of freedom, that I will never have.

For once, I actually DID agree

I read one of my friends' blog… (if he ever considered me one). Well, yeah. After the ritual this coming May, I imagined my batchmates crying with both tears of joy and sorrow. Yeah, they have friends. They really did. But I was wondering, will I be crying because I'll miss my friends? Or will I be crying because at long last, I'll leave the hellhole? Would I even cry?

Whilst everybody I know will be hugging and holding hands, and smiling ear to ear… I will be swallowing my pride. I will try to be sincere singing the alumni hymn… or would I even open my mouth?  Guess not.

I imagined, whilst everybody else would be jumping for joy, throwing their hats in the air, posing for nearly all the cameras friends and family brought… I'd be standing there, still. And take reality as it is. I'll be looking around, trying to remember the faces of the people I considered dear to me once. I'll be trying to keep those faces etched in my memory. These people shall be unharmed.

Once I leave the room full of people, I can not look back. I have to breathe deep and hard to keep me going. I have to put myself together, for the people relying on me. I have to keep the faith. I have to.

Yes. Sometimes I envy some people I know for they have an unending list of friends when I can't even come up with ten. I have more business associates and clients than those of what they called, 'friends'. I know more of ethics and honour rather than the unwritten law of friendship. I envy those who are associated with light hearted people, who actually enjoys social life and parties. Those who get invited  to birthdays, anniversaries… etc. I can't say I am into those because I wasn't brought up to attend those. It seemed fun… but I wouldn't know it, would I?

Even if envy has begotten me, I didn't feel outraged towards these people. I see them lucky that they deserve to live. People like me, who don't have such affiliations don't have what they call 'a life' to begin with. These people holds the right to move on and be happy. And I AM HAPPY FOR THEM.

So tonight, I will be calculating the odds of choosing to play a white key or a black key.

Because come May, it will be time to face the music… the lowest key, at that.

COUNTDOWN

It's 3AM. Listening to SkidRow. I have nothing much to do. Now that school's over, silence has been a constant companion. I will be out there in the wilderness very soon. How I wish there's a way to stop this.

Mother wants me to attend the graduation ceremony. I'm having doubts. I guess words are beginning to eat me now… Words are my enemies. I don't like them too much. Words are free and has no value, come to think of it. But words are so powerful that it destroys lives. It can ruin you. With me, words bring the best and the worst of me. It combines heaven and hell in one person. Words can upset me and make me talk back. On the other hand, it can make me smile, and put an end to life.

I wonder when my smile becomes sincere. I wonder if there would still be an opportunity when  I smile, it will be because I'm happy and not angry. I want to learn how to be happy. Even for once.

I thought when school's over, I'd be okay. I wonder if I could be okay. I came to see my dad this morning. A few blocks away from my father's house, I noticed the change. The clouds seemed grey and the trees seemed wilted. I felt the cold in the heated marbled floors as I took off my shoes by the door. My Keiko was there. She just looked at me and went straight to my father's room. Buck was there as well. I wished I never went here.  I turned away and as I tried to put my shoes back on, my father caught up with me. He hugged me, tight. I felt he missed me but he seemed cold. He walked  back to his office holding my hand and served me some tea. I know now, some things will never change.

Right after I finished my cup, he handed me a small wooden tube. I didn't open it then. I left his office and went straight to the garden. My father is still a fan of the greenery. The garden's still beautiful. As I lay on the grass, I noticed Buck standing by my head. He sat beside me for a long time without saying a word. Then by sun down, he then said, "you don't have to do this." I left without any word, without expression. Because I know, I have to learn again… how to unfeel.

I broke the wooden tube a few minutes ago. I only have 3 weeks to get the job done.

Sleepless… Lifeless

There have been days I never wanted to wake up. I never wanted to smell the fresh brewed coffee waiting for me at my kitchen counter. Never wanted to stand up to take long showers. Never wanted to watch my gold card cable tv. I just wanted to keep still. In my bed. Eyes shut. … just that. Even for just 5 minutes. I want to feel what it is like to sleep. I want to feel how it is to be relaxed and well rested. I'd like my back laid down for even 5 minutes. Why is it so impossible for me to do all this?

My mother believed it's just discipline. I had to set my mind to do it. It's that simple.

It sounded simple.

But it's not.

I took 2 sedatives this evening. That would be around 12 midnight, the perfect time for daywalkers to feel the night. An hour later, I got bored. Tired of waiting for sleep to come. Tired. Yet rest less.

There have been nights when I couldn't let go of my 'Riko'. I would feel it going through my skin until it gets numb. I'd take a handful of Rxs and wash'em all down with whatever I find in my counter. Whether in a while I'd be talking to the seat or drown myself with waste. There have been nights when I finished a whole pack of ciggies in 3 hours.

It's like waiting for your last breath and later, you find yourself not at all grasping for air. You'd realize that you are in fact alive but unfortunately, you have no life.